Penguins Update: It’s a Good Thing I’m Not GM

As the ol’ brain pan continues to run on ‘E’ in terms of fresh ideas, I’ll once again resort to the offbeat (and silly) to provide a little entertainment value.

Last night I had a dream. (No, really.) Actually, nightmare is more like it. The Penguins traded super scorer and all-around good guy Jake Guentzel to our old friend Bill Guerin in Minnesota. The return? The human equivalent of two bags of lightly used pucks.

It reminds me of one of my…uh…less than shining moments as a blogger. Following our disappointing playoff loss to the Islanders in 2021 when Guentzel was banged around physically and limited to a lone goal in six games, I opined that it might be an opportune time to deal the Omaha native for a player with more size and sandpaper.

Putting on my GM hat, I suggested we trade Guentzel to New Jersey for left wing Miles Wood and a prospect and/or high draft pick. My rationale (or irrationale as the case may be)? Wood’s cap hit was $2.75 million, compared to Jake’s $6 million. He’s bigger, faster and a year younger than Jake. Abrasive to boot.

Plus, Wood was coming off a strong season in ’20-21, tallying 17 goals in 55 games, a 25-goal pace for a full season. Jake netted 23 goals in 56 games, a 34-goal pace over an 82-game slate.

Ahem…let’s review.

Skating as if he had something to prove, last season Jake potted 40 goals for the second time in his career while tying Sidney Crosby for the team lead with 84 points. In the postseason, No. 59 returned to his previous lofty heights by exploding for eight goals in seven games.

As for Wood? He…uh…

What’s that, Buker? Speak up. We can’t hear you.

Through no fault of his own, the unfortunate Devil injured his right hip during an exhibition game on October 4 and missed all but three games of the season while recovering from surgery.

Had this trade actually been made? It would’ve ranked somewhere below Craig Patrick’s infamous Markus Naslund-for-Alek Stojanov swap back in ’96. For the uninformed, Naslund had 395 career NHL goals. Stojanov had two.

Thank the Lord Ron Hextall has a lot more sense than I do.

Need more proof that I’m a shrewd judge of horseflesh?

Back in March of 2013, with Evgeni Malkin in the midst of an injury-riddled season following his monster MVP campaign, I floated the idea that perhaps it was time to move on from the then 26-year-old (and rightfully stared down a firestorm of criticism).

All Geno’s done since is pile up 227 goals and 586 points in 523 games, an average of 1.12 points per game. Fifth highest in the NHL over that span.

No way we win those back-to-back Cups without him.

And yet, for good measure I revisited the idea of trading No. 71 in the summer of 2019, targeting then Panther Vincent Trocheck and fellow forward Henrik Borgstrom (whodat?) as a return. Okay, so this one wasn’t quite as atrocious…Trocheck’s a solid, versatile two-way performer who plays with an edge.

Since my proposed deal, Malkin’s outscored the Pittsburgh native by a dozen points…in 61 less games. (Ouch.)

Okay, just so this isn’t a total assassination of my ability to judge talent, I do have a few instances to my credit where I actually made good suggestions.

Perhaps the most prominent? For the better part of two seasons, I extolled the virtues of Sam Bennett, a former fourth overall pick who was languishing in Calgary. I pleaded with Jim Rutherford and later Hextall through various and sundry posts to acquire the aggressive forward. Apparently, they don’t read PenguinPoop.

Perhaps Florida GM Bill Zito does. He acquired Bennett at the 2021 trade deadline for a second-round pick. Flat-lining with the Flames, “Playoff Sam” promptly went on a tear, piling up six goals and 15 points in 10 games following the trade. In all, he’s amassed 34 goals and 64 points in 81 regular-season games with the Panthers. Output befitting a former first-rounder.

I was also high on Frederick Gaudreau when most of my colleagues were…meh. Finally given a shot at full-time duty by the Wild, Freddy tallied a respectable 44 points last season.

As the old saying goes, every once in a while a blind squirrel finds an acorn. And every once in a while I get one right.

But don’t worry. I won’t let it go to my head.