Anyone Seen Our Penguins?

Missing. One NHL hockey team. Goes by the name Penguins. Dresses in black and gold uniforms. Used to play with passion, speed and grit. If you know of its whereabouts, please contact General Manager Jim Rutherford. Or return it to PPG Paints Arena…pronto.

I felt my lead-in was wholly appropriate, since the Pens were pretty much missing in action during crucial weekend tilts with Metropolitan Division rivals Washington and Carolina. About the only thing I was going to marvel at was our consistency…we appeared to be headed to a second-straight 5-2 defeat until Tristan Jarry spoiled things by leaking for a sixth goal in the waning stages of a thoroughly dismal Sunday afternoon loss to the Hurricanes.

Actually embarrassing might be a better word. Or disheartening. Or disturbing. Any or all of the previous adjectives would work.

Aside from the art of losing in abysmal fashion, the Pens seem to have perfected the “horseshoe” offense. That’s where you start at one point in the opposing team’s end and wrap the puck around the boards to the other point. If you’re lucky you can avoid the prime scoring areas entirely.

Indeed, save for the occasional sharp-angle shot from the half-wall, that seems to be the Pens’ aim these days.

I’m truly mystified as to what’s happened. It’s as if the very good hockey team we’ve been collectively stepped into an open man hole about 18 days ago and haven’t been seen or heard from since, as eight losses in 10 games will attest.

Sarcasm aside, I’m astounded by the devolution of our game over the past few weeks. The energy, purpose and passion we displayed over the first two-thirds of the season…not to mention resilience and character…literally seems to have flown out the window. We look slow, tentative, weary, unorganized and downright befuddled at times. Throw in timid, too.

Nobody seems to be able to give or take a pass, let alone carry the puck and maintain any possession. The number of quality scoring chances we had over the weekend could probably be counted on one hand.

Winning puck battles? That, too, seems to be a thing of the past.

The strength of our team was that we were playing as a team. Now it’s as if half the lineup has checked out or gone on an extended leave of absence. The poster child is Jared McCann, who missed on a penalty shot against the Caps on Saturday. He’s goalless in 21 games.

He’s hardly alone in that regard. Brandon Tanev hasn’t scored in 15 games. Teddy Blueger has one in 14. Before he was injured, Dominik Simon hadn’t scored in a dozen.

Offensive defenseman Justin Schultz hasn’t tickled the twine since Bill Clinton was president. I’m exaggerating, but only slightly. His last goal came on November 12.

This just can’t be. The Pens aren’t built to rely on a handful of guys. All hands need to be on deck. Right now, there are far too many passengers.

I’ll add Kris Letang to the mounting list of concerns. A hockey buddy pointed out yesterday that the quicksilver defenseman is trying to do too much, and I agree. When he presses, his defensive game (and decision-making) fall apart at the seams.

I thought the return of Brian Dumoulin would help. But Letang appears to be dragging his rock-steady partner down with him. They were a combined minus-11 over the weekend.

Let that sink in for a moment. Your No. 1 pairing…a minus-11.

For the record, Letang’s a minus-10 over his past 11 games, which pretty much coincides with the team’s recent funk.

He’s got to get his game back together.

Jarry and Matt Murray aren’t exactly shining, either, although in fairness the utter lack of defensive support was appalling. All but two of the goals allowed this weekend came on bang-bang plays around the net where our goalies had little or no chance. Like taking candy from a baby.

Okay, so I’ve ground through the litany of what’s wrong. How do we fix this?

For starters, the team must pull together. Right now they appear to be a fragmented and disjointed group, not to mention dispirited. Some of this falls on the leadership (Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin) and some falls on Mike Sullivan and the coaching staff. Somehow, everyone needs to get on the same page and everyone needs to buy-in.

They’ve got to get back to the north-south speed game that was so effective. Along with that, they have to embrace a degree of defensive structure. Right now, there are breakdowns occurring all over the ice and especially in the neutral zone. Many due to blown coverage by the forwards and ill-advised pinches by the defense, Letang in particular.

Again, the coaches need to get a hold of this. Sullivan seems to push all the right buttons when the club is riding high. Not so much when the troops are struggling, especially if it means tweaking his preferred style.

It’s time for him to earn his keep.

Bottom line? The Pens fell into this ditch as a team. They need to climb out of it as a team.

Soon.