Shriveling Penguins No Match for UTC

Sometime during the Penguins dismal/disgraceful/humiliating (pick your adjective) 6-1 loss to the Utah Hockey Club last night, on home ice no less, it occurred to me that this black-and-gold bunch very much resembles an expansion team.

I’m not talking about the Golden Knights, mind you, who were successful right out of the chute, but rather the woebegone, old-time expansion clubs like the 1974-75 Capitals, who went a blisteringly bad 8-67-5.

While I don’t think we’ll match that Caps squad for sheer ineptitude (we already have seven wins), I do think we have a chance to be epically awful.

Like those expansion teams of yore, we’re a clunky conglomeration of ill-fitting parts. A jig-saw puzzle whose pieces don’t sync up.

Hall-of-Famer Phil Esposito, general manager of the fledgling Lightning back in the ‘90s, once noted if you have a bunch of 30-somethings on your fourth line, you’re in trouble. Well, last night our fourth line consisted of Noel Acciari (33), Kevin Hayes (32) and Matt Nieto (32).

In particular, I don’t understand the press to get Nieto back into the lineup. Nothing against him personally, and I do realize he has value as a penalty-killer and defensive specialist, but I can’t help but think a younger player could be occupying that spot. Recently demoted Vasily Ponomarev, for one.

Speaking of a clump of jumbled, junk-pile parts, our defensive corps is atrocious. Even when we have numbers back as we did for the most part against Utah, we instinctually make the wrong read or play with unerring accuracy. Case in point, both Ryan Graves (he’s baaaack) and Matt Grzelcyk chased puck carrier Dylan Guenther behind the net on the UTC’s first goal, leaving nary a d-man to cover goal scorer Jack McBain.

Exactly what Graves and Grzelcyk were doing masquerading as a defensive tandem in the first place is a matter of conjecture. The latter, who has enough difficulty defending on his natural (left) side, was shunted to the right side in place of surprise healthy scratch Ryan Shea.

Although I wasn’t particularly enamored of Shea at the start of the season, he’s shown marked improvement of late. And he isn’t just passing the eye test. On the contrary, Shea has a Corsi of 55.46 and an expected Goals for Percentage (xGF%) of 55.14 in 5v5 play, both tops among the team’s defensemen. He’s consistently drawn praise from coach Mike Sullivan.

So why the head-scratching switch? It was suggested on the postgame radio show that “someone” (Kyle Dubas, perhaps?) wanted to see Graves return to the lineup after three consecutive healthy scratches. After all, Dubas is shelling out $4.5 million per for the wayward defender. That’s a lot of coin for a guy consigned to dining on press-box nachos.

I’ve been critical of Sullivan and have called for his dismissal. However, in Sully’s defense, he doesn’t have much to work with. An equal share of culpability, if not more, should be affixed to Dubas. Well-intentioned as many of his moves were at the time he made them (Exhibit No. 1 the Erik Karlsson trade), most of ‘em have backfired in spectacular fashion. Congealing into our current on-ice dumpster fire.

Purposely or otherwise, Dubas has hung back in the shadows and allowed Sullivan to face the glare of the media spotlights while absorbing the heat for the team’s poor performance.

We see you, Kyle.

A final observation, one I alluded to in a previous article. Namely, this team reminds me a lot of our ’82-83 club.

Fresh off a rousing playoff performance against the Cup champion Islanders the previous spring and boasting 30-goal men Mike Bullard, Paul Gardner and Rick Kehoe, not to mention Norris Trophy winner Randy Carlyle, the “Peskies” appeared to be on the cusp of respectability.

Instead, the team collapsed, winning only 18 games. The following season the bottom completely fell out and we won 16, a putrid performance that put us in a position to draft franchise savior Mario Lemieux.

If we trace the same downward arc, as I believe/hope/pray we will, that would put us in a position to draft Mario-esque phenom Gavin McKenna the summer after next.

Wouldn’t that be incredible?

Speaking of, amid the rubble of last night’s defeat, Sidney Crosby provided a lone bright spot with his 600^th career goal.

Ponder that achievement for a moment, folks. Let’s say you average 30 goals a season, no easy task in and of itself. It would take 20 years to amass that many goals, just as it has for Sid. The consistency and sheer stick-to-it-ness to accomplish that momentous feat, to say nothing of the skill required, is (way) off the charts.

Just wish for Sid’s sake we had a better bunch to support him.

Puckpourri

It was an old home night of sorts as former Pens Nick Bjugstad, Robert Bortuzzo, Ian Cole and Olli Määttä skated against their old club. “Nicky Bjugs” notched one of the six UTC goals. A fifth ex-Pen, blueliner John Marino, is on IR.

Don’t know about you, but I’d gladly swap defensive corps with the UTC.

Recently fired by the Bruins, Jim Montgomery was unemployed for all of five days. He signed a five-year deal today to coach the Blues, who dismissed Drew Bannister.

Oh, and Dubas was reported to be scouting the Canadiens. He and his Montréal counterpart, Kent Hughes, have hooked up before, mostly notably on the Karlsson swap.

Among those I wouldn’t mind procuring? Heavyweight 238-pound defenseman Arber Xhekaj and his kid (6’4″ 195-pound) brother Florian. Both are nasty as all get-out and would take care of our policing chores.

It’s a pipe-dream, of course. We’ll never pursue that kind of player.