Will the Real Pittsburgh Penguins Please Stand Up?

Back in the day, rapper Eminem released a song titled, The Real Slim Shady, featuring the catchy refrain…“Please stand up, please stand up.”

A month into the regular season, I feel the same way about our Penguins. Will the real Pittsburgh Penguins please stand up?

Talk about a team that’s hard to figure…let alone write about. When they’re good they’re very, very good. And when they’re bad? The dreaded Mr. Hyde has nothin’ on the locals.

Ironically, we’ve played far and away our best hockey on the road…counterintuitive to say the least. Indeed, the black and gold are a healthy and wholly impressive 4-0-2 on the road, boasting a plus-15 goal differential to boot. On the flip side, we’re 2-3-1 within the friendly confines of PPG Paints Arena, a record that doesn’t truly reflect how shaky we’ve been on home ice.

Speaking of, it doesn’t get much worse than last night’s dismal 5-0 whitewashing at the hands of the Maple Leafs, does it? Our boys were pretty much dominated in every facet of the game.

A consistent thread on all of the Toronto tallies? The Pens seemed particularly vulnerable to quick counter strikes and goals scored off the rush. They struggled (and straggled) to get back to their zone and defend. Nor did they seem to have the foggiest notion of what to do once they got there.

Ever watch a Mite hockey game? The kids tend to cluster together in a chaotic clump of arms, legs and torsos to chase the puck, as if it were some sort of vulcanized rubber magnet. Well, that’s what we do in our own end…chase the puck. Given our complete lack of defensive structure, it’s hard to believe Jacques Martin…a true defensive mastermind…is actually a member of our coaching staff.

You’d never know it by our play on the ice.

Speaking of coaching, I’m going to digress and refer to some very astute observations offered by a pair of our esteemed commenters, 55 on Point and Dee. The former attended a couple of training camp sessions, where he witnessed drills involving our defensemen. According to ‘55,’ the instruction focused almost solely on making quick reads and outlet passes, with nary a word spoken in regard to actual defensive-zone play and positioning.

More recently, Dee opined that black-and-gold bench boss Mike Sullivan only knows how to coach one style…a familiar lament harkening back to the Dan Bylsma era. Now that the rest of the league has caught if not surpassed us in terms of speed, a large portion of the competitive advantage we used to enjoy appears to have all but vanished. Which leaves the Pens in the unenviable position of having to rely too heavily on their high-end skill players to get the job done.

Need evidence? During our six victories, the big three of Sidney Crosby, Phil Kessel and Evgeni Malkin produced 16 goals. During our six regulation, overtime and shootout losses? They managed only four.

The proof’s in the pudding. As our stars go…so go our Pens. That’ll only take you so far.

So what’s the answer? Sure wish I knew. While I’m certainly not suggesting a return to the days of Mike Johnston, when shot suppression ruled, a more balanced approach might help. After all, offense can and does arise from playing sound defense. With their top-end talent, the Pens can be deadly as snake venom on the transition.

Some personnel tweaks might be in order, too, although we appear to have wildly divergent needs. On one hand, we sure could use a boost of pure speed and energy. Sounds like a job for Adam Johnson, a burner who’s presently toiling for Wilkes-Barre/Scranton.

At the same time, we could sorely use some size and muscle…especially on the wings. Qualities hulking Baby Pens forward Anthony Angello and, to a lesser extent, Zach Aston-Reese, possess. However, size and speed don’t necessarily come in the same package…especially in the case of Aston-Reese.

You see our dilemma.

The good news? Despite our strikingly uneven play, it’s early yet and there’s plenty of time to right the ship. As we all know, it’s far better for a team to find its stride…say…in March as opposed to October. However, we can’t morph into a disorganized mess, either. Something we’ve done on several occasions this young season, with last night’s debacle being the latest and most onerous example.

To sample from Marshall Mathers, let’s hope the real Pittsburgh Penguins please stand up…and soon.