Devils Pitchfork Punchless Penguins, 6-1

It was ‘80s night at PPG Paints Arena last night. Judging by the ugly outcome, a throwback to early ‘80s and the hapless “Boys of Winter” squad that won 16 games and lost by scores of 13-4, 11-3 and 10-3. You know. The Penguins who featured household names like Gary Rissling, Rocky Saganiuk and Ted Bulley (who dey).

All that was missing was Devils executive Bob Butera accusing us of playing to lose and then Penguins coach Lou Angotti (may his soul rest in peace) firing back with an expletive-laced retort. And perhaps part-time truck driver Vincent Tremblay coming on in relief of Tristan Jarry.

Yeah, we were that bad. God awful.

The glaring if not downright stunning ineptitude that has marred the team’s play in recent weeks reached its nadir (hopefully) last night during a disgraceful 6-1 loss to the Devils. This time right out of the gate.

Scarcely a minute into the contest, Marcus Pettersson got crossed-up in the neutral zone, leading to (altogether now) a 2-on-1 break. Partner John Marino made an inspired play to break up Nico Hischier’s attempted pass, but the puck squirted loose to Jesper Bratt, who buried it into the wide-open far side of the net.

The Devils were off and running. Actually, galloping is more like it. Four minutes later Kasperi Kapanen failed on a weak attempt to clear the zone. The puck pinballed to Evan Rodrigues, who laid a buttery soft outlet pass right onto the waiting stick of Bratt. The Devils’ winger quickly pulled the trigger and ripped the rubber past Jarry high stick side. Primary assist to E-Rod.

The third Devils’ goal, which came 57 seconds later, was just as painful to watch. P.K. Subban slipped a pass to Yegor Sharangovich, who’d somehow escaped Pettersson’s attention. Sharangovich snapped the puck past Jarry from point-blank range.

Just an absolutely dreadful period of hockey for our guys.

The embarrassment continued into the second period. Pettersson again wore the goat horns. His flubbed d-to-d pass along the back wall was picked off by Jack Hughes, who moved the biscuit quickly to Dawson Mercer at the lip of the crease. Jarry had no chance.

Our lone moment of glory came at 11:13 on the power play. Evgeni Malkin, one of the few locals to display any fire, scooped up the puck behind his net and flew up ice with a burst of speed before headmanning the rubber to Sidney Crosby at the Devils’ line. Working the give-and-go to perfection, Sid hit No. 71 with a return pass as the big Russian rambled into the slot. Geno artfully kicked the puck to his stick blade and wired it past rookie netminder Nico Daws.

Quicker than you could say Mitch Lamoureux, the Devils countered with a power-play tally of their own on a long-range blast by Damon Severson. In the process chasing Jarry and sucking what little life remained out of the building.

Midway through the final frame Hischier beat Tremblay…er…Casey DeSmith on yet another wide-open look from the slot to run the final score to a gruesome 6-1.

The lone consolation? If we keep playing this badly we’re a shoo-in to draft Mario Lemieux.

Oops…wrong team and wrong decade. Then again, it was easy to get confused.

Puckpourri

Thanks to a cosmetically resurgent second period, the Pens held an edge in shot attempts (62-52) and shots on goal (38-36). The Devils held the high ground in scoring chances (28-26) and high-danger chances (12-8).

Our second pairing of Pettersson and Marino had a rough night. The former was on the ice for three 5v5 goals against in only 8:54 of ice time…a truly impressive feat. Not to be outdone, the latter was on the ice for five goals against, four at even strength.

Aside from Malkin’s power-play goal there was little to cheer for the 18,057 patrons in attendance. Mike Matheson had a solid game on ‘d’ and DeSmith stopped 16 of 17 shots after coming on in relief of Jarry.

Speaking of No. 35, our erstwhile Rock of Gibraltar continues to slip following a brilliant first half. Over his past 14 games he’s posted a porous 3.38 goals against average and .894 save percentage. It should be noted that defensive support has been virtually nonexistent at times, leaving Jarry on an island to fend for himself.

It’s become increasingly apparent we miss the all-around services of Teddy Blueger. Another critical loss that’s contributing heavily to the team’s recent slide? Assistant coach Todd Reirden. Since he’s been absent from the bench due to knee surgery, the Pens are 2-3 and have yielded 18 goals over their past four games.

Up next for the skidding Pens (31-14-8, 70 points). The New York Rangers come to town for a 3 pm matchup on Saturday. It’s the first meeting of the season between the Metro rivals. Let’s pray Mike Sullivan and the coaching staff figure something out between now and then. Our structure has literally gone to hell in a handbasket. And our fading Stanley Cup hopes along with it.