Senators Stonewall Listless Penguins, 3-0

Back in the day Alfred E. Neuman, the poster boy for Mad Magazine, had a famous catch phrase. “What, me worry?”

Well after seeing our Penguins fall to the Senators, 3-0, in Halifax last night, I confess I’m worried.

Plenty.

Through two preseason games, our vaunted top six has tallied one measly goal on 24 shots on goal. Which works out to a pathetic 4.2 shooting percentage. Our big guns on defense, newcomer Erik Karlsson and mainstay Kris Letang, haven’t fared any better (no goals, a modest six shots on goal combined).

The power play? A dismal 0-for-9, including a listless 0-for-6 last night.

Yeah, I know. It’s early and the players are still learning each other and the ins-and-outs of Mike Sullivan’s system, at least to a degree. But we’ve looked anything but crisp and sure.

Try bumbling and bungling instead.

Maybe my deepest concern? We’re built around our stars and the top-six to score. If they don’t…or worse yet…can’t?

To quote Jesse “the Body” Ventura’s character from the Sci-fi thriller Predator, “We’re in for a world of hurt.”

Too, I’m reminded that despite the presence of six 20-goal scorers last season, we had difficulty finishing. At our first uneasy blush, it appears those issues may continue and even be magnified this season.

To sum up, Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin haven’t looked like the Sid and Geno of yore. Or even last season.

To digress, my duties at Wright’s Gym kept me from watching the game in its entirety, but I saw enough to form some opinions.

We appear to have difficulty entering the attacking zone, especially if our foe clogs the neutral zone and/or challenges us at the blue line, which the Sens appeared to do aplenty. Indeed, when we did gain control of the biscuit, they made like the Sioux surrounding General Custer and his troops at Little Big Horn. In the process denying the puck carrier precious time and space and disrupting any type of rhythm or flow.

In those instances when we did gain the zone, we had trouble establishing any sort of presence between the circles. As for those 40 shots on goal? Many seemed to drift in from the perimeter. In the process, making journeyman netminder Joonas Korpisalo (.904 career save percentage) resemble the second coming of Georges Vezina.

Frankly, it was wholly reminiscent of our soul-crushing 5-2 loss to the lowly Blackhawks last spring, when we outshot the Hawks 40-27 but couldn’t breach the prime scoring areas.

As for our supposed improved speed? With the notable exceptions of Karlsson (supersonic) and third-liner Vinnie Hinostroza we looked tired and old and slow, due in no small part to our inability to give or take a pass in stride. To borrow from the old Friends theme song, “It seems we’re always stuck in second gear.”

Even more disturbing? I don’t see any trace of the passion or fire that by all rights should be there in the wake of our disappointing finish last season. We’re going about our business with all the enthusiasm of a cadre of 9-to-5ers robotically pulling down a paycheck so they can pay the bills. It might work in the corporate world. It won’t on the ice.

Not with hungry young teams like Ottawa on the verge.

Aggression? The Sens’ inspirational captain Brady Tkachuk displayed some. Wearing a cage mask to protect an injured eye didn’t discourage him from blasting our “physical presence,” Noel Acciari, with a booming check along the wall. To my knowledge, there was no attempt at payback by anybody.

Such is the way of things for our plain-vanilla Pens.

At this stage of the preseason, we look every bit our collective age…and then some. Or SOP, as my esteemed colleague Other Rick opined.

Pens Claim Harkins

In our latest bargain-basement attempt to bolster our bottom six, the Pens plucked forward Jansen Harkins off the waiver wire yesterday.

Listed at 6’2” and 195 pounds by Hockey Reference, the 26-year-old Cleveland native plays left wing and center.

A classic tweener (we seem to be stockpiling them lately), Harkins enjoyed an outstanding season with Manitoba in the AHL last season, piling up 25 goals and 50 points in only 44 games. He was far less productive with Winnipeg (three goals and five points in 22 games) while filling a fourth-line role.

For his NHL career, Harkins has 13 goals and 27 points in 154 games, all with the Jets.

In terms of impact, his JFresh WAR chart is somewhat akin to that of former Pen Zach Aston-Reese. Very strong defensively, offensively not so much. Nor does he possess ZAR’s grit (only 86 career hits). The better to play bland, lifeless Sully hockey.

For now, another dart to throw at the bottom-six bullseye.