Projecting Dr. Dubas’ Monster (aka the Penguins)

In the wake of a recent Penguins Team Reset and accompanying lineup projection on NHL.com, I thought I’d take my own crack at predicting our lineup (or Dr. Dubas’ creation if you prefer) for the upcoming season.

On at least two occasions I’ve referred to the Pens’ roster as a misshapen Frankenstein’s monster of sorts. A wholly apt description. We’ve got more pieces/parts than we need or could possibly use in some areas and not nearly enough in others.

I close my eyes and envision Dr. Frankenstein and his faithful assistant Igor (Kyle Dubas and sidekick Wes Clark) hovering over the monster, supine and lifeless on a hard metal operating table, concern etched in their faces.

They initially fix their gaze on the head and neck, replete with electrodes and a jagged scar on the forehead from recent surgery (removing 33-goal-man Anthony Mantha). Despite some gracefully aging parts, the least of their worries.

Especially since 39-year-old marvel Sidney Crosby will once again center the top line for battle-tested veterans and long-time linemates Rickard Rakell and Bryan Rust, with Evgeni Malkin and countryman/triggerman Egor Chinakhov flanking Tommy Novak on the second unit.

They ponder shifting the newly extended pivot to the third line in favor of wunderkind Ben Kindel before proceeding to the torso (bottom six).

They wince. This is where the monster begins to resemble a crazy-quilt patchwork of hastily assembled parts. They plan to graft freshly unearthed newcomers Andrei Kuzmenko and Nicholas Robertson onto the third line, in no small part because they don’t really fit anywhere else. Centered by Kindel/Novak.

Nearer the monster’s midsection, fourth-line fixtures Blake Lizotte and Connor Dewar provide some comfort and stability, like a well-defined set of abdominals, with a lone gap near the creature’s flank. Logic might dictate hulking Justin Brazeau, a 17-goal scorer who spent most of last season in the middle-six, getting first dibs. That is, unless he’s supplanted by equally towering Elmer Söderblom, who appeared to pass his fellow big-‘n’-taller on the depth chart following his arrival last spring.

The fact that Söderblom played significant minutes on the fourth line and displayed decent chemistry with Lizotte and Dewar would appear to give him a leg up.

Speaking of limbs, there’s a whole pile of extras stacked in haphazard fashion next to the operating table, including those belonging to kid forwards Rutger McGroarty, Ville Koivunen (still unsigned), peppery Avery Hayes and Filip Hållander, whose health status may be still in question due to the blood clot that abruptly brought his season to a screeching halt. To say nothing of Tristan Broz, who has nothing left to prove in the AHL, and newcomer Hendrix Lapierre, who appeared to be a very intentional get by Dubas & Clark.

While injuries happen and you certainly need quality spares over the course of a season, the Pens’ overstock is carrying things a bit too far. Especially since there appears to be nary a spot for the aforementioned kids.

So much for any meaningful player development at the big-league level.

As for the monster’s legs (aka defense)? They’re grossly mismatched. The left one is undersized and emaciated, to the extent that Dubas will likely transplant a muscle from the right leg (Trevor van Riemsdyk) in hopes of making the left functional. Although a solid veteran defender, TvR’s experience on his off side was greatly exaggerated by lab assistant Inga (assistant GM Jason Spezza).

In other words, the operation to balance the legs could be a colossal failure, dooming the monster in the process.

The second pair of Sam Girard and fading Kris Letang? Erratic at best and another potential weakness waiting to be exposed. The physiological equivalent of weak knees.

Down near the creature’s ankles, NHL.com penciled cadaverish Ryan Graves into the third left defense slot. Not sure what they were smoking when they made their prediction, but my money’s on free-agent Declan Carlile, with Ilya Solovyov in reserve.

I’m actually more comfortable with a Carlile-Kaedan Korczak pairing than I am the other two. But one potentially solid tandem out of three ain’t so hot.

The monster’s gigantic feet, the newest part of its body, will be comprised of kid goalies Arturs Šilovs and Sergei Murashov, with a third (Joel Blomqvist) a phone call away in Wilkes.

Will the comparative youngsters be sturdy enough to support the monster’s considerable bulk, not to mention facing down a cavalcade of flying pucks?

Throw the Main Switch

Now that the creature’s been stitched together, albeit with mostly graveyard parts, it’s time for Dubas & Co. to throw the main switch and see if it actually comes to life.

The laboratory equipment crackles, the sound of electricity surging through the circuits. Sparks fly as current races through wires attached to the monster’s glinting electrodes.

Suddenly, the eyelids open, accompanied by a deep, guttural grunt.

“It’s alive!” shouts Dr. Dubas, staring down at his creation with wild-eyed wonder. “It’s alive!”

Flush with joy and fervor, he releases the monster from its restraints. Gingerly it rises to a sitting position, pauses, then dangles its legs over the side of the operating table.

The moment of truth!

Supported by the good doctor and Igor, who each grab a meaty arm, the monster slides off the table, its oversized boots landing with a thud on the cold laboratory floor. Like a toddler, unsteady and unsure, the creature takes a first tentative step.

Oh no! The weak and vulnerable left leg buckles under the enormous weight of the oversized torso. The monster collapses in a heap!

Dr. Dubas cries out in anguish.

His creation is kaput! His experiment has failed!